I hate to admit it, but the truth is, I’m jealous. Not by nature. I’m secure enough in life to not let the actions or accomplishments of others take away from my happiness…in all aspects of my life. Save one that is.
It never seems to matter how much I like someone, or love them. They could be my best friend, a relative, a fellow baby loss mom, or a fellow TTC’er. When I see a pregnancy announcement or the pictures of newborns, I absolutely hate myself. Because as much as I want to be happy for them, my first thought is anything but.
Ok, here’s how it normally goes in my mind:
What the hell makes them so lucky?!
Wow! That was bitchy!
But seriously?! What makes them so fucking deserving over me?!
(if it’s not their first child)
Seriously?! Another one?! I just want one!
You know that’s a lie. You’d be happy with one, but you want several.
Why can’t I just be happy for them?!
Yup, I become a jealous, hateful, bitch. I immediately dive into totally picking apart someone I’m suppose to care simply because they have something I don’t. Something I would die for.
I mean, if was just a scarf…a visit to Amazon could fix it. But it’s not. It’s a baby. And Amazon doesn’t sell those. I know, I checked.
I absolutely hate myself every time I have to use the, “I don’t want to see this”, option on Facebook. Especially when it’s a fellow BLM or TTC sister. I know their struggles, it should warn my heart for them. I should see hope for myself in their joy! I should be a decent person…but I’m not.
Instead, I become a jealous bitch.
It’s not what I want. In fact, it’s the furthest from it. I want to be the kind of person who is nothing but happy, instead of the girl who fakes being nothing but happy. Because, it’s not like I’m not happy for them. I am! I just become so sad for myself. I feel like I keep wishing on someone else’s star.
Hi, my name is Monique and I’m a jealous bitch.
So, what do you do when the green-eyed monster creeps in? Yeah, I have no clue. My best guess…fake it ’till you make it! Tell them you’re happy for them. Because, you really are-even if it’s not the only emotion you feel. You smile, more to prove to yourself that you can, through the pain. But the most important thing…at least for me…is to stay mindful that one day, *fingers crossed*, it will be you gushing and someone else needing a little bit of shielding & understanding.
Because the truth is, being jealous doesn’t make you a bad person. I know it makes us feel like we are, but that feeling is wrong. It’s something everyone deals with. And that’s actually the hardest part for me. To know, and fully embrace, that it’s completely normal to feel like this. That most people, especially the ones who have been trying for so long, have all felt it…have been through it. And even it’s not related to baby fever, everybody knows what the feeling of jealousy is. Because it is part of being human.
So with that being said…yup, I’m human. And that means that my life is beautifully imperfect. And all I can do is take one day at a time. So, if you’re jel, come sit next to me…we’ll get through it together.