It’s Like That Scene In Toy Story 3

Yeah, I’m a Disney freak. I’m an over-sized child when it comes to Disney. So I guess it’s no surprise that as the reality of losing another pregnancy started to sink in, my mind went to Disney.

When I first started spotting, all I could think about was when the Toy Story gang is headed to the bottom of the fire pit. There was nothing they could do but accept their fate and cling to each. Out of fear, support, love, and hope…they reached out to one another. They grabbed each other’s hands and rode it out.

At that point, I even still held out hope that the claw would scoop me out of this painful inferno and rescue us.

There was no life saving claw, because this isn’t a fairy tale.

This is life, which means not everything or everyone will have that happy ending. No singing mice who will make a perfect dress. No glowing hair that brings back what once was mine.

Nope, nothing like that here. Just this empty feeling of despair. And a lot of blame.

I feel like maybe part of the reason I’m not blessed enough to have a baby is because I want one so badly. I want one so badly, that I keep trying..,even knowing that my body will try to attack it, betraying me in a twisted sense of irony. Even knowing that it’s gonna be a struggle to carry to term. And yet I try anyway, disregarding the idea that maybe I’m hurting the very thing I’m praying for.

Even as I write this, it doesn’t make sense. But it’s how I feel. It’s not a rational thought, I know. But that’s the weird place my mind goes to.

So in the meantime, I’m painting. This one isn’t finished, but it’s how I’m feeling so far.

IMG_3977

So, my question is…
Do you have something you throw yourself into when reality gets to settling in?

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About Monique

Married to the love of my life for more than ten years, mommy to angels waiting for us...I'm just a girl trying to navigate my way through life while fighting IIH & EDS and all the craziness that infertility has brought into our lives.

Posted on February 16, 2015, in Life, Pregnancy Loss, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. as unlikely as it sounds coming from me, I throw myself into housewifery, laundry, packing, planning, cleaning, something working on hubs career, anything that is productive and doesn’t involve me. Also I love running errands

    Liked by 1 person

    • You know what’s kinda funny though? I actually see you as more of a homewifery kinda chick anyways. And I don’t know why. I think it’s because of that post a while back about your hubby’s weekend menu. ❤️

      Like

  2. I throw myself into my research, my experiments, and my website! Ironically enough, it helps ease the pain when bad things happen and when I look at my situation. Your words, are truly beautiful and I love reading your thoughts! I love your Blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re gonna make me cry. Thank you!

      I am so glad I found your site! I for sure would have been lost in the OPK jungle had I not. Not to mention, found such a supportive group! ❤️

      Like

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