Yeah, I’m a Disney freak. I’m an over-sized child when it comes to Disney. So I guess it’s no surprise that as the reality of losing another pregnancy started to sink in, my mind went to Disney.
When I first started spotting, all I could think about was when the Toy Story gang is headed to the bottom of the fire pit. There was nothing they could do but accept their fate and cling to each. Out of fear, support, love, and hope…they reached out to one another. They grabbed each other’s hands and rode it out.
At that point, I even still held out hope that the claw would scoop me out of this painful inferno and rescue us.
There was no life saving claw, because this isn’t a fairy tale.
This is life, which means not everything or everyone will have that happy ending. No singing mice who will make a perfect dress. No glowing hair that brings back what once was mine.
Nope, nothing like that here. Just this empty feeling of despair. And a lot of blame.
I feel like maybe part of the reason I’m not blessed enough to have a baby is because I want one so badly. I want one so badly, that I keep trying..,even knowing that my body will try to attack it, betraying me in a twisted sense of irony. Even knowing that it’s gonna be a struggle to carry to term. And yet I try anyway, disregarding the idea that maybe I’m hurting the very thing I’m praying for.
Even as I write this, it doesn’t make sense. But it’s how I feel. It’s not a rational thought, I know. But that’s the weird place my mind goes to.
So in the meantime, I’m painting. This one isn’t finished, but it’s how I’m feeling so far.
So, my question is…
Do you have something you throw yourself into when reality gets to settling in?