That, That’s What It Is
A little while ago I came across this quote. And I was instantly like, “Yup! She gets it!”
Even though a lot of people can not understand what it’s like to grieve over a pregnancy loss, most people do understand grief. So, there is still a sense of understanding.
One if the things that so many TTC’ers struggle with is the monthly roller coaster. Some pretty big highs and some really low lows. And every time a cycle ends, and there isn’t a positive pregnancy test…it’s heartbreaking.
And not to get too graphic, but the cramps, pain, and bleeding that come with a menstral flow just add to it. Your body is mocking you, and forcing you to pay attention. I actually feel like I can hear a sinister giggle as it whispers, “You can’t even almost still think there’s a chance this cycle. And you know what? You’re right! And there’s still another 4 days to go if you’re still pathetically holding on to hope by your fingernails!” (Yeah, my imagination is due some kind of dramatic overachiever award!)
(found on TTC Confessions)
I do my best to stay positive about it. You know cause I have a crap ton of OPKs that won’t go to waste. And I wanted to order a strawberry mojito next time we go out to eat. I did just buy a really cute pair of sparkly flip flops that I won’t stretch out with swollen feet. And Lord knows I was not ready to find a new place for all the stuff in the sitting room in order to convert it to an “extra” nursery. But even as I tell myself all of that, I know I’m lying.
The truth is, every month I question what I did wrong. What I could have done differently. But mostly I question what makes me unworthy to be a mom. I see the news stories, the online articles, the Facebook posts…you know, the “I’m pregnant-enough likes and I’ll keep it” and the “Mom arrested after beating 3 month old nearly to death”…and I think, SERIOUSLY?! Their bodies have no issues bearing children and mine is laughing at me.