That, That’s What It Is

A little while ago I came across this quote. And I was instantly like, “Yup! She gets it!”

Even though a lot of people can not understand what it’s like to grieve over a pregnancy loss, most people do understand grief. So, there is still a sense of understanding.

One if the things that so many TTC’ers struggle with is the monthly roller coaster. Some pretty big highs and some really low lows. And every time a cycle ends, and there isn’t a positive pregnancy test…it’s heartbreaking.

And not to get too graphic, but the cramps, pain, and bleeding that come with a menstral flow just add to it. Your body is mocking you, and forcing you to pay attention. I actually feel like I can hear a sinister giggle as it whispers, “You can’t even almost still think there’s a chance this cycle. And you know what? You’re right! And there’s still another 4 days to go if you’re still pathetically holding on to hope by your fingernails!” (Yeah, my imagination is due some kind of dramatic overachiever award!)

(found on TTC Confessions)

I do my best to stay positive about it. You know cause I have a crap ton of OPKs that won’t go to waste. And I wanted to order a strawberry mojito next time we go out to eat. I did just buy a really cute pair of sparkly flip flops that I won’t stretch out with swollen feet. And Lord knows I was not ready to find a new place for all the stuff in the sitting room in order to convert it to an “extra” nursery. But even as I tell myself all of that, I know I’m lying.

The truth is, every month I question what I did wrong. What I could have done differently. But mostly I question what makes me unworthy to be a mom. I see the news stories, the online articles, the Facebook posts…you know, the “I’m pregnant-enough likes and I’ll keep it” and the “Mom arrested after beating 3 month old nearly to death”…and I think, SERIOUSLY?! Their bodies have no issues bearing children and mine is laughing at me.


About Monique

Married to the love of my life for more than ten years, mommy to angels waiting for us...I'm just a girl trying to navigate my way through life while fighting IIH & EDS and all the craziness that infertility has brought into our lives.

Posted on March 18, 2015, in Life, Miscarriage, Pregnancy Loss, TTC and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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