Last year, during the excitement of that very first Clomid cycle, I told y’all about how the hubby and I were preparing for a baby we hadn’t yet conceived. We bought the crib, the crib set, a bassinet…and some of the cutest monkey themed things you will ever find.
Here we are a year later, and we are still preparing for the child we have yet to conceive. I truly believe that God knows the desire of our hearts and that He will answer our prayers.
It’s not always easy…having faith. There are days where I question myself. Wonder what I have done that has caused me to struggle so much, when there are women who literally throw away what my heart aches for. I admit, I see news stories of babies starving to death after their parents overdosed…or…toddlers being chained like dogs in the backyard and I want to question God’s judgment. What is fair about any of this?!
I get angry. I get grief stricken. I get angry. I get depressed. I get angry. It can be a vicious cycle.
But, I’ve never truly lost hope. Oh, sure…I’ve had moments where I’m ready to quit. Where I cry out that it’s just too hard. When I’m ready to delete Fertility Friend from my phone, throw out my BBT thermometer, leave all the TTC groups that I’m in, and sale everything in the nursery & turn it into a crafting room. A few times I’ve even considered setting that room on fire. Thankfully, I’ve always been able to push through those moments. (Ok, so the non fire setting thoughts were longer than “moments”. But you get the idea.)
I may not understand God’s plan for me. I may never fully understand. I just know, that I don’t have to. I just have to keep my faith that God knows. Because all the struggles will make the joy so much bigger. They will make my appreciation for our miracle be never-ending. While I am certain that my child will drive me absolutely bonkers at time…he will never go to bed thinking he’s unloved. I know this because the journey we have been on has made me want to make sure that our baby knows just how often we prayed for him. How many times we cried for him. The doctors we went to to help us get him.
I will be lucky enough to know that no moment can be taken for granted.
So, we continue to carry our umbrella. When we went to Big Papi’s last game at Globe Life Park this past summer…we bought this.Last Saturday while we were out for our anniversary we stopped at LifeWay. (I’m going to be VBS Director at our church this summer and I wanted to get the Jump Start kit.) We found this adorable VBS themed onesie…the only one they had, and it came home with us.
We will continue to plan for this baby. I will continue to work on the nursery and crochet baby blankets…all while still saving up for the cost of IUI. Because I believe that God will grant us our heart’s desire. I don’t know when. But I know He will. And I plan on being ready for that answered prayer.
So whenever I see a onesie, a blanket, a stuffed animal, a rattle…anything that I think would be perfect for our baby, I’m gonna get it. And I will know that one day, our child will wear it, cuddle up with it, or play with it. It may seem crazy, but I have faith it will happen for us.