The other day on our way home, a song reached out and grabbed my heart. It hasn’t let go since. John Waller’s, “While I’m Waiting”.
It’s not a new song. But sometimes it’s the ones you’ve heard again and again but haven’t really listened to in a while that are the ones that speak to you the most. And I definitely needed to listen to this song and process the message.
The past few months, our TTC journey has had some really crazy twists & turns. And if I’m being honest, I’ve felt broken over it. Well, actually…I’ve felt shattered. Like so far beyond broken that I’ve wondered if I could ever find all the pieces to mend myself.
I have been so angry and confused, because I honestly believe that God has placed this great desire on my heart so that He could fulfill it. My husband and I both truly believe and have faith that we will have a baby. We truly believe that God has promised us this. But sometimes, when it seems like all you’re doing is getting older, it is so hard to hold to that promise. It’s so easy to question faith when you feel lost on the journey.
I just don’t understand this wait. What in the world could be the reason another cycle has failed? Why is my heart longing when there are so many daily news articles about babies being abandoned? And don’t even get me started on “16 & Pregnant”! Am I not good enough? Faithful enough? Strong enough?
And then a few scriptures whispered themselves to me. 🎶”I’m waiting…I’m waiting on You, Lord…and I am hopeful…I’m waiting on You, Lord…though it is painful…but patiently, I will wait…I will move ahead, bold and confident…taking every step in obedience” 🎶
I fully admit that I don’t understand the path God has chosen for us. But I don’t have to. It’s not easy, but as long as I still have faith & hope…I will one day understand the journey. I truly believe that. Regardless of how dark the night gets, the sun will still rise when it’s meant to…when the timing is right, and not a second before.
I don’t have to know the plans, I just have to have faith and follow the path the Lord lays out before me. Instead of fighting Him and taking this journey into my own hands, I need to obediently lay it down and let God lead me. That is seriously hard for me to do. I over-think, over-plan, and totally over-analyze pretty much everything. So I don’t always handle the unknown with grace. (I typically handle it with Xanax.) But I’m learning, slowly.
🎶…while I’m waiting, I will serve You…while I’m waiting, I will worship…while I’m waiting, I will not faint-I’ll be running the race, even while I wait…🎶
I don’t know why I’m having to wait, or what I’m suppose to be learning while I do. I’m not even sure what my purpose is suppose to be while I’m waiting. But I do know that I am to stay faithful. Faithful in prayer, faithful in hope, faithful in the Lord’s promises. Because there is a purpose, there is meaning. With that knowledge comes peace.
Or maybe it’s more like peacefully anxious. lol I am after all human. And since the whole point of this post is about it beimg hard to stay steadfast & positive at all times…I’ll take peacefully anxious while I learn what I need to learn, while I do what I need to do. While I wait on the Lord.
So I think I’ll keep this as my prayer during my season of waiting:
I know that I can be impatient. I know I often question Your timing and design. I know that I am prone to worry and fear. I know that I sometimes get so caught up in my need for understanding and control that I lose track of who You are. I forget that You are always working for my good. Lord, help me to never lose hope. Keep my eyes focused on the path You’ve set for me. Allow me to stay focused in the knowledge that often blessings can be received only after the trial of waiting. Forgive my moments of doubt and renew my sense of peace in Your timing. You know my heart, and all it’s desires. And Your promises are true. Lord, keep me grounded in Your presence.
In Jesus’ name, Amen
The hubby and I had a conversation Saturday afternoon on the way home from the RE’s office.
When you pray for rain, they say you’re suppose to keep your umbrella with you. If you don’t, then you don’t believe that God will answer your prayers and provide for you. So, if you’re praying for rain…be sure to carry an umbrella.
Well, after seeing the RE Saturday morning…and after I got a trigger shot of hCG to force ovulation…we went shopping. We had already decided that since we had to drive so far for a Saturday appointment that was only going to be about 20 minutes that we would go and get a few things that we are needing for the nursery.
After going through everything that we already have in our nursery…gathered over the years for different pregnancies that were lost & one HUGE contribution from a friend who just liked to buy baby stuff so she could be prepared-but ran out of room so she gave a ton of it to me since there hasn’t been a time that we weren’t wanting a baby…I realized that we need more than I could have imagined. I was shocked…not sure why since the twins were boys…at how many boy items we had, how few gender neutral items we had, and how I apparently haven’t planned for a girl at all. So, the nursery is needing help. And we were gonna do a little shopping to see what we could find.
Well, we ended up finding a lot. lol It was so much fun! And we walked away from out little shopping excursion with a few things that we needed and plans for a couple more things.
I think some people may look at this and not understand planning for a baby that hasn’t been conceived yet. But we really are carrying our umbrellas. We both have faith that the Lord will answer our prayers. We both believe that some of the things that have happened to us during this journey were small obstacles that God placed in our way to allow for better things to have time to transpire for us.
We originally saw the RE last year. We were planning on being so further into the process of IVF by now. But, I went anovulatory in November after seeing him. So, we didn’t start our baseline testing until after the first of the year. And we know now that there was a reason for that. Didn’t understand it at the time, but it’s clear as day now. And I do truly believe that it was God’s plan.
I have to admit, I haven’t always understood God’s plan. And I haven’t always been very patient when it comes to His will. I have struggled with my relationship with God throughout this journey. I think maybe that’s part of being human. I mean, I know there are people out there who never stumble in their faith, but I am not one of them. And I am working on that.
But as I sit here on the eve of the 14th anniversary of our first date…truth be told, our one & only date…I am really starting to see that there truly has been a plan set in place by God. It all has happened for a reason. I may not understand why things are happening when they are happening, but I am now seeing that I don’t have to. It really isn’t my place to. I didn’t use to be ok with that. But, I’m learning and growing again in my faith and understanding of the Lord.
So, we are preparing for our child, because we know with everything in us that God is going to answer our prayers.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)