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While I’m Waiting

The other day on our way home, a song reached out and grabbed my heart. It hasn’t let go since. John Waller’s, “While I’m Waiting”. 

It’s not a new song. But sometimes it’s the ones you’ve heard again and again but haven’t really listened to in a while that are the ones that speak to you the most. And I definitely needed to listen to this song and process the message. 

The past few months, our TTC journey has had some really crazy twists & turns. And if I’m being honest, I’ve felt broken over it. Well, actually…I’ve felt shattered. Like so far beyond broken that I’ve wondered if I could ever find all the pieces to mend myself. 

I have been so angry and confused, because I honestly believe that God has placed this great desire on my heart so that He could fulfill it. My husband and I both truly believe and have faith that we will have a baby. We truly believe that God has promised us this. But sometimes, when it seems like all you’re doing is getting older, it is so hard to hold to that promise. It’s so easy to question faith when you feel lost on the journey. 

I just don’t understand this wait. What in the world could be the reason another cycle has failed? Why is my heart longing when there are so many daily news articles about babies being abandoned? And don’t even get me started on “16 & Pregnant”! Am I not good enough? Faithful enough? Strong enough?

And then a few scriptures whispered themselves to me. 🎶”I’m waiting…I’m waiting on You, Lord…and I am hopeful…I’m waiting on You, Lord…though it is painful…but patiently, I will wait…I will move ahead, bold and confident…taking every step in obedience” 🎶

I fully admit that I don’t understand the path God has chosen for us. But I don’t have to. It’s not easy, but as long as I still have faith & hope…I will one day understand the journey. I truly believe that.  Regardless of how dark the night gets, the sun will still rise when it’s meant to…when the timing is right, and not a second before. 

This one whispers itself to me quite often. In the quiet times of reflection, during my moments of doubt. After all, aren’t waiting & doubt the highest hurdles hope will ever have to jump? 

I don’t have to know the plans, I just have to have faith and follow the path the Lord lays out before me. Instead of fighting Him and taking this journey into my own hands, I need to obediently lay it down and let God lead me. That is seriously hard for me to do. I over-think, over-plan, and totally over-analyze pretty much everything. So I don’t always handle the unknown with grace. (I typically handle it with Xanax.) But I’m learning, slowly. 

🎶…while I’m waiting, I will serve You…while I’m waiting, I will worship…while  I’m waiting, I will not faint-I’ll be running the race, even while I wait…🎶

I don’t know why I’m having to wait, or what I’m suppose to be learning while I do. I’m not even sure what my purpose is suppose to be while I’m waiting. But I do know that I am to stay faithful. Faithful in prayer, faithful in hope, faithful in the Lord’s promises. Because there is a purpose, there is meaning. With that knowledge comes peace. 

Or maybe it’s more like peacefully anxious. lol I am after all human. And since the whole point of this post is about it beimg hard to stay steadfast & positive at all times…I’ll take peacefully anxious while I learn what I need to learn, while I do what I need to do. While I wait on the Lord. 

So I think I’ll keep this as my prayer during my season of waiting:

Dear Lord,

I know that I can be impatient. I know I often question Your timing and design. I know that I am prone to worry and fear. I know that I sometimes get so caught up in my need for understanding and control that I lose track of who You are. I forget that You are always working for my good. Lord, help me to never lose hope. Keep my eyes focused on the path You’ve set for me. Allow me to stay focused in the knowledge that often blessings can be received only after the trial of waiting. Forgive my moments of doubt and renew my sense of peace in Your timing. You know my heart, and all it’s desires. And Your promises are true. Lord, keep me grounded in Your presence. 

In Jesus’ name, Amen 

I’ve Missed Y’all! 

Once again, I have to accept the “Bad Blog Owner” Award! I know it’s been MONTHS since my last post. My blogging mojo took a long vacation. 

So much has happened since my last post. We’ve had an attempt at IUI that had to be cancelled the day of. We’ve done an IUI cycle that left us heartbrokenly devastated. We had VBS at our church…I was the director. (One of the scariest things I’ve ever done and I’m so proud of how it went!) We’ve had to say goodbye to one of our fur babies. Friends moved away. And I’ve been working on my very first October 15th Wave of Life event. 

It’s just been a very crazy, very emotional, very hectic few months. So I hope you forgive me for being absent. 

He was of the sweetest creatures. We miss him terribly. This picture was taken just a few weeks before he passed. He loved that blanket. I washed it that morning and he was just absolutely lost the entire time it was off the bed. About two seconds after I threw it on the corner of the bed, he was on it & passed out. 

On to the amazing and happy things…VBS at First Baptist Church of Murchison was amazing! We had two children accept Christ! I was beyond blessed to have the chance to be a part of it. (Normally I wouldn’t post pictures of other people’s children, but we were given permission to photograph & share during registration.)

October 15th, I will be hosting a Wave of Light event at my church from 7pm-8pm. My hope is to have enough Mason/Ball/Kerr jars to honor at least 100 angels. October 15th is such an important date during Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. I’ve been thinking about doing this for years, and I’m so excited to finally have a game plan for it. If you’re interested in having your angel honored during this event, please contact me. You can either join the event here, leave a comment on this post, or email me at love.echoes.forever@gmail.com 

And finally, one of the neatest things came across my messages the other day…This absolutely made my day. So, keep an eye for a follow up review! And a possible announcement involving The Stork OTC Ambassador Program! I won’t know if I’ve been selected until later this month, possibly early next month. But I am very excited for this opportunity! 

Looks Like It’s IUI Time

Last week was a whirlwind of issues at Casa de Mo. I was kinda puny. Extremely hopeful about this cycle. Got to spend time with the bestie. And had a LuLaRoe fundraising Pop-On on Facebook.

But my chart just isn’t letting me keep the level of hopefulness that I had going in to the TWW. I am fully expecting CD1 to be tomorrow, Thursday at the latest. So, it looks like we are on to IUI. 

And it appears that we will have to do IUI with Clomid instead of IUI with injections. Thankfully, we did qualify for some help for the injections. But I still don’t think financially we can do them. We qualified for a 25% discount. That still leaves us paying about $550 for just one of the 3 medications. That’s about the cost of the IUI preceedure itself. 

I hate to sound like I’m complaining…we *only* qualified for 25% off. I know there are couples out there who don’t even qualify for that. And I am beyond grateful for any help we get. I was always, actually, planning on doing IUI with Clomid…because I respond very well to Clomid. But if I’m being honest, I was hoping to qualify for the 75% off and do the injections. I know my RE prefers IUI with injections over Clomid. And it does give us the best shot at a successful cycle. So I was hoping. 

I just hate how money plays such a major role in this journey. I hate that my insurance company is allowed so much power over my TTC journey. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful they cover the things they do. (I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I am.) But it’s so arbitrary to me that they will cover fertility treatments up to insemination. Like why draw a line? Fertility treatments are fertility treatments. Drawing a line in the sand and saying they’ll cover everything on this side of the line but nothing on that side…it’s a little soul crushing. This journey is isolating enough as it is. Why make me feel more like a pariah because my journey has gone to the “other side”?! 

Thankfully, with some of our income tax return, donations from very supportive friends, the LLR fundraiser, and my Crocheting to pay for IUI project…we have 2 and 1/3 IUI cycles saved up. Now we just have to figure out if we start IUI next cycle or wait one more. I think hubby would prefer waiting another cycle. But I just don’t know that I can. I’ll keep y’all updated on what we…ok, I…decide. lol I really feel like we won’t wait though. Because I’m hoping to be able to have a third cycle saved up for June. And we will have to take July off because I’m our VBS Director this year. And I don’t think people will understand hubby & I having to leave to go get inseminated. I just don’t see that going over well. lmbo So, since I already know July is an off cycle…I just don’t know that I’m emotionally prepared to take another cycle off right now. 

Leaving on a happy note though…I’m working on an ordered and an available to purchase blanket in my Crocheting to pay for IUI plan. I need a project bag so bad! That will be my next acquisition. Cause right now I’m carrying my yarn, hook and blanket with me every where. I’m motivated beyond belief y’all! 

And autocorrect likes to mess with me…it tried to change precedent to PreSeed in a rather delicate email yesterday. lol I’m just glad I caught it. Normally I don’t until I get the reply. 

So this morning, I hold to Jeremiah 29:11. Because I know the Lord has this.
🌈❤💛💚💙💜🌈

Still Carrying The Umbrella

I know so many people must think I’m crazy. In fairness to them, I am a little nutzo at times. But…that’s neither here nor there. 

Last year, during the excitement of that very first Clomid cycle, I told y’all about how the hubby and I were preparing for a baby we hadn’t yet conceived. We bought the crib, the crib set, a bassinet…and some of the cutest monkey themed things you will ever find. 

Here we are a year later, and we are still preparing for the child we have yet to conceive. I truly believe that God knows the desire of our hearts and that He will answer our prayers. 

It’s not always easy…having faith. There are days where I question myself. Wonder what I have done that has caused me to struggle so much, when there are women who literally throw away what my heart aches for. I admit, I see news stories of babies starving to death after their parents overdosed…or…toddlers being chained like dogs in the backyard and I want to question God’s judgment. What is fair about any of this?!

I get angry. I get grief stricken. I get angry. I get depressed. I get angry. It can be a vicious cycle. 

But, I’ve never truly lost hope. Oh, sure…I’ve had moments where I’m ready to quit. Where I cry out that it’s just too hard. When I’m ready to delete Fertility Friend from my phone, throw out my BBT thermometer, leave all the TTC groups that I’m in, and sale everything in the nursery & turn it into a crafting room. A few times I’ve even considered setting that room on fire. Thankfully, I’ve always been able to push through those moments. (Ok, so the non fire setting thoughts were longer than “moments”. But you get the idea.)

I may not understand God’s plan for me. I may never fully understand. I just know, that I don’t have to. I just have to keep my faith that God knows. Because all the struggles will make the joy so much bigger. They will make my appreciation for our miracle be never-ending. While I am certain that my child will drive me absolutely bonkers at time…he will never go to bed thinking he’s unloved. I know this because the journey we have been on has made me want to make sure that our baby knows just how often we prayed for him. How many times we cried for him. The doctors we went to to help us get him. 

I will be lucky enough to know that no moment can be taken for granted. 

So, we continue to carry our umbrella. When we went to Big Papi’s last game at Globe Life Park this past summer…we bought this.Last Saturday while we were out for our anniversary we stopped at LifeWay. (I’m going to be VBS Director at our church this summer and I wanted to get the Jump Start kit.) We found this adorable VBS themed onesie…the only one they had, and it came home with us. 

We will continue to plan for this baby. I will continue to work on the nursery and crochet baby blankets…all while still saving up for the cost of IUI. Because I believe that God will grant us our heart’s desire. I don’t know when. But I know He will. And I plan on being ready for that answered prayer. 

So whenever I see a onesie, a blanket, a stuffed animal, a rattle…anything that I think would be perfect for our baby, I’m gonna get it. And I will know that one day, our child will wear it, cuddle up with it, or play with it. It may seem crazy, but I have faith it will happen for us. 

What A Week 

To say I’m glad this week is done, is an understatement. Wednesday I got a call from my RE’s office. I was CD7 (cycle day 7), one day left of Clomid, Ovidrel trigger shot already ordered and in my refrigerator…and they tell me that my insurance coverage had changed and that I no longer have coverage for fertility treatments. It would be $200 for my appointment on Thursday, and there are no payment plans. I totally lose it. It made no sense to me. I had already seen him twice last month and started this cycle without being told any of this. AND…during the enrollment period we were told our policy had no coverage changes.

I was so blindsided. Totally broken. Not enough Xanax in my house. Because we didn’t have $200 to cover that appointment. And if I no longer had any coverage, we were absolutely done. I mean, we could keep trying on our own. But, we’ve been doing that for more than a decade with only heartache. 

We talk to the insurance company, we’re told again that there was no coverage change. That they still cover everything up to the point of insemination…so no IUI, GIFT, ZIFT, or IVF coverage. But, we already knew that.

So I call my RE’s office back, become very close to the billing department manager…and finally get to keep my appointment for Thursday-covered by insurance & only having to pay my copay. Don’t know what happened…I just know that I will only speak to the billing office manager from now on when it comes to anything to do with billing. I trust no one else there anymore. 

All of this came a week after we sat down with our RE and had THE discussion. You know the one where he tells you medicated cycles alone aren’t going to be enough and we need to discuss the progression of our treatments. We decided to go with one last round of Clomid and timed intercourse while we figure it out. IUI is really our only option financially. And we can only do a few rounds, and only because of our tax return…when that finally gets here. 

So, here’s our plan for this cycle:We are doing Clomid, the Ovidrel trigger shot, gonna use PreSeed along with The Stork OTC, and got a box…getting more though, cause you know me and tests…of First Response Early Results. If this doesn’t work, we’ll wait until our tax return comes in and try IUI. 

So, Thursday comes around and we find out that I’ve got 6…SIX…follicles that were worthy of being measured. I’m hoping that when we go back Tuesday…and only pay our copay…for our next follicle scan that at least 3 are mature. We’ll most likely trigger Tuesday as well. *fingers crossed* this works. 

Then yesterday, I had my surgery follow up procedure. Last November, I had a stent placed to open up a collapsed/blocked vein that was keeping my spinal fluid from circulating properly…causing the build in my brain, which gave me the extremely rare cause of having Pseudotumor Cerebri. There is normally not a reason that doctors can pinpoint why someone develops PTC. So, just finding the blockage was a miracle in itself. The stent worked! I’m officially *cured* of PTC! 

The hard part of yesterday is that I react very badly to the contrast dye used. So, I’m still in some pain and sick to my stomach. But…I don’t have PTC anymore, so I’m beyond blessed. Thank the Lord!!!

Unfortunately, the stent did not allow the CSF (cerebral spinal fluid) leak to correct itself. It was a long shot that it would, but we were hopeful. So now my pressure can become too low and cause some issues. So, I will have to have the scary ass craniotomy to fix that. But, I’m not even kinda prepared for that. lol So, we will most likely hold off for a bit on that one. Cause I’m a weany!!! No shame in admitting that either. 

Keep an eye out for a review of The Stork OTC. A lot of my friends have asked me about it. So once we use it, I’ll write something up. It will be an unpaid/unsolicited review. We bought The Stork OTC and no one from the company has asked us for our opinion on it.  

Always Stay Hopeful


I think it’s so easy to become discouraged while TTC. It’s such a crazy roller coaster ride of a journey. And the weird thing is, you feel…sometimes…like you’re all alone on that roller coaster. Of course your spouse is riding it with you. But, sometimes it can feel like they’re in a different car entirely. Like, you can hear them screaming along with you…but it’s off in the distance.

It can be so isolating. It really can make you feel like you’re alone…even though your surrounded by people. 

The hardest thing to remember is to always have hope. One of the things I find myself saying over and over again is…every new cycle brings new hope. It’s not always easy to remember. Especially when my Instagram & Facebook feeds are being blown up by pregnancy announcements (I hate the “we weren’t even trying” ones), sonogram pictures, birth announcements, and cake smashes…and my cycle has just started. 

It’s hard. I’m not even gonna try to lie about that. Some days all I can do is turn my phone off, turn on trash tv, grab my yarn & hook, and pull into myself. 

After years of trying, it would be so easy to see everyone else getting what I pray for every day, and just give up. I have my despondent moments. I have those moments of anger and jealousy that make me want to give up. 

But then I hear this little voice that reminds me how much I want this. How much my very core desires this. And I realize that I would never be able to forgive myself if I just quit. 

And I think part of the reason I can still hear that tiny voice is a combination of faith and support. There are moments of calm during my prayers, where I just KNOW that it’s going to happen for us. That’s why I love that scripture so much. 

But I’m also extremely blessed to be surrounded by amazing people who support my husband and me through our journey. Trust me, it’s harder to find that than you think. Sometimes when people find out you’re trying to get pregnant, they immediately come up with 1,001 reasons as to why that’s the worst idea in the history of ideas. But that topic is probably best left for another post. lol

Without the support of my friends I’d be lost. (My husband too. Can’t forget him, but for this post I’m focusing on the friends who surround us.) I could not imagine not having them in my life. And what’s great is that not all of them are from the TTC community. I have friends who are supporting me through this who have no idea what OPKs, PreSeed, or follicle scans are. Having a solid support system is a must! These people help to drown out those negative thoughts/people/judgments. 

And don’t be afraid to talk about it. Talk about your fears, cry when you need to, scream when the urge hits. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to not be happy all the time. Hiding those emotions, burying that part of your journey only helps to isolate you. And it’s not fair to you! The hard times, the times it takes everything in you to push through, are part of your journey. They’re part of you! And those who love and support you…love you, all of you!

You are not alone in this!!! You have so many people supporting and praying for you…even more than you can imagine. You’ve got this! And you are going to be so proud that you pushed through the fear & thoughts of giving up. You are not alone, even though it feels like it sometimes. There are so many of us who understand the full emotional sprectrum. And we are always here! So always have hope!!! 

Saturday Appointments…FUN!


The hubby forgot to check the mail Saturday, New Year’s Eve. So he checked it Sunday morning on his way in. So, New Year’s Day I opened a little love in the mail package from a wonderful friend. She sent me some tests…cause everyone knows I have a test stash that always has room to grow. (Although the hubby probably doesn’t agree with that statement.) She also sent the stars!

So, I made a new cover photo. lol

Monday was my last dose of Clomid this cycle. And I went in for my CD8 scan on Tuesday. I’ve been very lucky, I’ve responded very well to it. And this cycle seems to be no exception. I had four follicles worth measuring! Two 10s on my left & a 13 and 11 on my right! So, instead of having me come in on Tuesday of next week for my next scan, he wants to see me Saturday! 

Now, Saturday appointments are kinda a big deal. The only open office is in Dallas, which is a couple hours away. The only person who is working in the Dallas office on Saturdays is the doctor. And they’re like double the costs…because it’s a weekend appointment. It’s just a follicle scan & possible trigger appointment, so it’s not truly a big deal. But, since he wanted to see me on Saturday instead of Tuesday, a week out, it’s kinda a big deal. Which reminds me…I need to pack up my trigger shot just in case I need it tomorrow. 

Actually, most likely I’ll just stress about whether I should pack it up or not. Cause it needs to stay refrigerated. And even though it will be fine if I pull it out tomorrow morning for a Tuesday use…I really hate pulling it out before I know if I’ll be triggering that day or not. And, even if they grow at maximum rate…I don’t know that they’ll be close tomorrow for trigger. We may just plan for trigger on Sunday…maybe Monday. (The irony is…stress during TTC is not good!) And I always tend to overthink and stress over things that really have no reason the be overthought. 

But that’s what I do. 

In fact, I’m kinda stressing about having a Saturday appointment. The last one we had was last January. That was the appointment right before everything fell apart for us. And even though I know that’s not gonna this time around, I can’t help but have anxiety. 

What if something does happen again? What if our insurance says…we’ve paid enough or the doctor just decides it’s not worth trying anymore? The normal, rational, sane side of me knows I’m being stupid. But I was so excited last time. I just knew that by starting off the New Year in his Dallas office, we’d have a baby by Christmas. I just knew it. 

I’m terrified, if I’m being honest. Because I’m already caught back up in that level of excitement again. I’ve slowly started working in the nursery again. I’m crocheting blankets for us, instead of others. I believe with everything in me that this is going to happen for us. But I’m so scared. 

It doesn’t help that it’s cold as crap outside. lol So I can’t even go walking to try and clear my head. I can make some nachos though. And it is lunch time. So maybe I’ll go do that! ❤ Yeah, I think I’ll do that! 

Total bonus…mini road trip to Dallas tomorrow means going to different Starbucks! WooHoo for a venti dirty hazelnut chai latte! If you’d just keep us in your prayers, send happy thoughts, good vibes…all that, we’d be greatly appreciative. 

Carrying Our Umbrellas

The hubby and I had a conversation Saturday afternoon on the way home from the RE’s office.

When you pray for rain, they say you’re suppose to keep your umbrella with you. If you don’t, then you don’t believe that God will answer your prayers and provide for you. So, if you’re praying for rain…be sure to carry an umbrella.

Well, after seeing the RE Saturday morning…and after I got a trigger shot of hCG to force ovulation…we went shopping. We had already decided that since we had to drive so far for a Saturday appointment that was only going to be about 20 minutes that we would go and get a few things that we are needing for the nursery.

After going through everything that we already have in our nursery…gathered over the years for different pregnancies that were lost & one HUGE contribution from a friend who just liked to buy baby stuff so she could be prepared-but ran out of room so she gave a ton of it to me since there hasn’t been a time that we weren’t wanting a baby…I realized that we need more than I could have imagined. I was shocked…not sure why since the twins were boys…at how many boy items we had, how few gender neutral items we had, and how I apparently haven’t planned for a girl at all. So, the nursery is needing help. And we were gonna do a little shopping to see what we could find.

Well, we ended up finding a lot. lol It was so much fun! And we walked away from out little shopping excursion with a few things that we needed and plans for a couple more things.

I think some people may look at this and not understand planning for a baby that hasn’t been conceived yet. But we really are carrying our umbrellas. We both have faith that the Lord will answer our prayers. We both believe that some of the things that have happened to us during this journey were small obstacles that God placed in our way to allow for better things to have time to transpire for us.

We originally saw the RE last year. We were planning on being so further into the process of IVF by now. But, I went anovulatory in November after seeing him. So, we didn’t start our baseline testing until after the first of the year. And we know now that there was a reason for that. Didn’t understand it at the time, but it’s clear as day now. And I do truly believe that it was God’s plan.

I have to admit, I haven’t always understood God’s plan. And I haven’t always been very patient when it comes to His will. I have struggled with my relationship with God throughout this journey. I think maybe that’s part of being human. I mean, I know there are people out there who never stumble in their faith, but I am not one of them. And I am working on that.

But as I sit here on the eve of the 14th anniversary of our first date…truth be told, our one & only date…I am really starting to see that there truly has been a plan set in place by God. It all has happened for a reason. I may not understand why things are happening when they are happening, but I am now seeing that I don’t have to. It really isn’t my place to. I didn’t use to be ok with that. But, I’m learning and growing again in my faith and understanding of the Lord.

So, we are preparing for our child, because we know with everything in us that God is going to answer our prayers.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

 

New Year…New Scary & Exciting Things

image1It is so hard to believe that it’s already 2016! So much seemed to happen last year, especially the last two months. There’s me, aren’t those socks absolutely adorable?! So that’s me…as we started our journey into the world of fertility treatments. Now, unfornutely my body has a sick and twisted sense of humor and that’s about as far as we’ve gotten. I am still waiting on a new cycle to begin so that we can do baseline testing. Because after visiting with our new RE, pretty much our only option to becoming parents is IVF. And, we pretty much have one shot at it, because IVF is kinda crazy expensive. It’s like $13,000 a cycle…and that’s just the cycle itself. That doesn’t include all the testing and scans leading up to that cycle…which our insurance pays zip of! So, to say I’m stressed about it, is a bit of an understatement.

I also start this year off no longer a Lupus patient. I had a big meltdown over it too. I spent years trying to get answers for what was wrong with me, thought I FINALLY had it figured out. And then was kinda slapped in the face and informed that what I was originally diagnosed with…pseudo tumor cerebri…is what I actually have.

Eight years ago, I was diagnosed with that. After having spinal taps done to drain spinal fluid every other week, I was told that I needed to have a shunt surgically placed in order to find relief. So I was referred to a neurosurgeon. And everything seemed to be headed towards me getting better. Then the day I went to have my final pre-op visit & to schedule the surgery, the doctor said he had a bad day in surgery trying to repair a shunt, he was no longer convinced I even had PTC, and was sending me back to my neurologist. So, that went over well with my neurologist. I was doing yet another spinal tap when it went to Hell. He had gotten the needle placed and did a pressure check, as he was sliding the pressure gauge off, the needle slipped. He spent another 45 minutes trying to get it replaced. It left me with a nasty knot of scar tissue on my spine. He then pulled the needle completely out and said that I would have it done at the hospital under x-ray. When I called to find out what our next step was, I was told I was no longer a patient of that doctor’s. It was just the beginning of my disappointment when it came to doctors.

So, my primary gets me a referral to a new neurologist…literally one of the best in my state. And he completely disagrees with the diagnosis of pseudo tumor. BUT, never once did a spinal tap to check the pressure of my spinal fluid.

Fast forward eight years, and a trip to a reproductive endocrinologist and I decide that I need to find a really good rheumatologist who will work with us through this pregnancy that we’re trying so hard for. And he’s like…yeah, I don’t think it’s Lupus. And even though I’m not crazy about this guy’s bedside manner…seriously, is the first class of specialty medicine “How To Be A Dick 101”?!…he is a good doctor who is extremely thorough. 13 vials of blood thorough! And he recommends that I go see a opthamologist to see why I’m having such issues with my eyesight…I’m almost completely blind in my left eye. So, I go see one…and after all the testing he does, he’s like yeah, the damage to your optic nerve indicates something called pseudo tumor-and I cut him off. Completely fall apart like a crazy person in his office, total nut job, and give him this longer than he’d like, but short version of my story. And he’s like…yup! That’s what it is. So now, I’m headed back to a new neurologist.

And after having my blood tested for just about everything that it could be other than PTC, and having a biopsy done on my rash to see if it is indeed a malar rash or possibly Rosacea, I really don’t think that there’s any doubt that I do in fact have pseudo tumor cerebri and not Lupus. I’m a little bitter, especially when realizing that if my second neurologist hadn’t been so dismissive and done a simple spinal tap of his own, I might still have my sight. But, I think I’m handling it very well. Swung by Build A Bear and made a storm trooper & Darth Vader bear…took the Darth Vader one to see the new Star Wars movie, bought a book about IVF, and used the incredibly emotional month as an excuse to not do laundry. So, seriously, I think I’m doing very well with it. lol

So, I am just done with 2015 and ready to get this new year started and get everything going. Hoping to be able to work out all the finances associated with IVF, hoping that it goes well for us. Hoping that the new neurologist can help, because I’ve decided that I will not be having a surgery for shunt placement this time. Hoping that this year is absolutely amazing!

 

What Loss Moms Wished Non Loss Moms Understood

Ok, so maybe limiting it to just moms and non loss moms is a bit of an understatement. I think a more appropriate title might be “What Loss Parents Wished Everyone Who Has Ever Been Lucky Enough To Never Experience A Loss Understand…And What They Wish A Few Fellow Loss Parents Would Too”. But, for the sake of available space, I’ll stick with what I’ve got.

Recently I started a new Facebook group, Love Echoes Forever-TTC After Loss. The TTC journey after loss is so unique, that I thought a group that was centered around the emotional roller coaster was needed. One of the first questions that I asked the ladies who joined was…”What do you wish people understood the most about loss?” This blog post is dedicated to the remarkable women who answered the question & is about the 3 biggest topics brought up.

One of the biggest things I’ve noticed, and one that was mentioned in group as well, is one for everyone to understand…loss & non loss. I don’t understand why, but for some reason we live in a society where every thing is compared and measured and ranked. And while I am not one to agree with little leagues that don’t keep score, because life keeps score and it’s just as important to learn how to win as it is to learn how to lose…score keeping doesn’t always have a place in life. One loss is no less significant than the next. A loss at 5 weeks is no less of a loss than at 35 weeks. You still the lose the dreams of birthday cards, Christmas excitement, first words, first steps, first days of school…last days of schools. Hearing a heart beat, being able to determine gender does not…I repeat, DOES NOT change the fact that your entire world is turned upside down and wrong side out because in a moment you lose the entire dream of who that baby might have been. It amazed me when I lost my daddy how many people told me how sorry they were that I lost him at such a young age. I was 34 he was 2 days shy of 60. I was also told by a few people to basically get over it already since I was an adult…I was lucky I had the time with him. The fact of the matter is, it doesn’t matter at what age you lose a parent-the loss is never gonna be easy, it’s always be a hole in your heart, it’s going to change everything in your life. Losing a pregnancy is the same way. It doesn’t matter at what age, it’s a loss that will forever change your life. Regardless. A loss is a loss. So, let’s just make a pact now to not compare one to another in an attempt to make one worse or better. One is not lucky while one is unlucky. A loss is a loss…there is no scale.

Just like with anything lost, there is no replacement. It will never matter how many children you eventually go on to have & hold, there will always be a little piece missing. And it’s not that you aren’t appreciative and grateful for every single blessing that God has given you. No, in fact, you are probably more appreciative than anyone can possibly imagine. You know what you’ve lost and how precious and fragile what you have is because of that loss. But at the same time, you aren’t mourning because OPI discontinued a nail polish color that you really liked and no one is making that particular shade. You are mourning a child, your child. The best way I can think to describe it in a way that everyone can relate is when you lose a friend. Not necessarily due to death, just not in your life anymore. You know that friend that you had the late night chats with, the one who would laugh at the dumbest things with you? You will never replace them. You will always…even if you go on to find 10 other amazingly beautiful people who you are lucky enough to call a best friend in your life…you will ALWAYS look back to those memories of the friend that you once had. You will always miss the laughter they brought you, even though you have a ton of laughter in your life. You will always wish for that smile to shine on you one more time, even though you are surrounded by love. It’s not that you’re greedy, or unappreciative. You are not wanting ALL the smiles in the world…just the ones that have touched your life and are no longer there. And there will never be anyone to replace that friend, because there is no way to replace that person. There is simply someone else now who also shares a piece of your heart. So please understand that when it comes to children, whether rainbows (babies born after loss) or sunshines (babies born before loss), it will never matter how much laughter fills a house in the early morning hours…there is always going to be a little bit of a quietness that echoes because loss parents know there should be just a little bit more noise. And it’s not that they aren’t thankful for the noise they hear, they just know it should be a little louder.

Pregnancy and infant loss seems to still be such a taboo thing to talk about it. It’s treated in 3 ways, it seems. Like it shouldn’t be brought up because it will cause too much pain or uncomfortableness for the asker, or like we are contagious and should “it” be brought up we will somehow give it to you, or just completely open conversations when support is needed. I really wish it was always the latter. Loss is a part of life. We can’t avoid it. And sadly, people seem so ready to give support and understanding for just about any type of loss…just not pregnancy and infant loss. And that makes it that much more isolating. Because people are afraid of upsetting a loss parent, they don’t always ask how they’re doing. Because it’s something that isn’t commonly talked about, people aren’t sure how to approach the subject of an angel. It’s so easy for people to imagine how hard it is to cope with that type of loss, they are worried that by asking about the loss, they will bring up horrible memories and a ton of pain. And sometimes…not gonna lie…it absolutely will. BUT, that’s not unlike asking how anyone is doing after a loss of any kind. Not every conversation is going to be a sad one. Just today, on our way from a day out, the hubby and I talked about how similar I was to my daddy when it came to driving…and that led to stories, which led to happy memories. A few weeks ago we were talking about how much I miss him and that led to tears. But the fact that I had someone to talk to and support me through both sides of the spectrum was what I needed. And when I’m in a particularly vulnerable place and I think talking about my losses will just absolutely push me over the edge, I don’t talk about them. So please, if you know a loss parent…don’t be afraid of mentioning what they’ve gone through, of asking how they’re doing, of asking about what it’s like and if they need support or just love through it. Regardless of how long ago it happened. It helps to know that we aren’t the only ones who remember our babies existed, however briefly.

It’s just a start, I know…but, sometimes just a little understanding can make a world of difference.