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Looks Like It’s IUI Time

Last week was a whirlwind of issues at Casa de Mo. I was kinda puny. Extremely hopeful about this cycle. Got to spend time with the bestie. And had a LuLaRoe fundraising Pop-On on Facebook.

But my chart just isn’t letting me keep the level of hopefulness that I had going in to the TWW. I am fully expecting CD1 to be tomorrow, Thursday at the latest. So, it looks like we are on to IUI. 

And it appears that we will have to do IUI with Clomid instead of IUI with injections. Thankfully, we did qualify for some help for the injections. But I still don’t think financially we can do them. We qualified for a 25% discount. That still leaves us paying about $550 for just one of the 3 medications. That’s about the cost of the IUI preceedure itself. 

I hate to sound like I’m complaining…we *only* qualified for 25% off. I know there are couples out there who don’t even qualify for that. And I am beyond grateful for any help we get. I was always, actually, planning on doing IUI with Clomid…because I respond very well to Clomid. But if I’m being honest, I was hoping to qualify for the 75% off and do the injections. I know my RE prefers IUI with injections over Clomid. And it does give us the best shot at a successful cycle. So I was hoping. 

I just hate how money plays such a major role in this journey. I hate that my insurance company is allowed so much power over my TTC journey. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful they cover the things they do. (I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I am.) But it’s so arbitrary to me that they will cover fertility treatments up to insemination. Like why draw a line? Fertility treatments are fertility treatments. Drawing a line in the sand and saying they’ll cover everything on this side of the line but nothing on that side…it’s a little soul crushing. This journey is isolating enough as it is. Why make me feel more like a pariah because my journey has gone to the “other side”?! 

Thankfully, with some of our income tax return, donations from very supportive friends, the LLR fundraiser, and my Crocheting to pay for IUI project…we have 2 and 1/3 IUI cycles saved up. Now we just have to figure out if we start IUI next cycle or wait one more. I think hubby would prefer waiting another cycle. But I just don’t know that I can. I’ll keep y’all updated on what we…ok, I…decide. lol I really feel like we won’t wait though. Because I’m hoping to be able to have a third cycle saved up for June. And we will have to take July off because I’m our VBS Director this year. And I don’t think people will understand hubby & I having to leave to go get inseminated. I just don’t see that going over well. lmbo So, since I already know July is an off cycle…I just don’t know that I’m emotionally prepared to take another cycle off right now. 

Leaving on a happy note though…I’m working on an ordered and an available to purchase blanket in my Crocheting to pay for IUI plan. I need a project bag so bad! That will be my next acquisition. Cause right now I’m carrying my yarn, hook and blanket with me every where. I’m motivated beyond belief y’all! 

And autocorrect likes to mess with me…it tried to change precedent to PreSeed in a rather delicate email yesterday. lol I’m just glad I caught it. Normally I don’t until I get the reply. 

So this morning, I hold to Jeremiah 29:11. Because I know the Lord has this.
🌈❤💛💚💙💜🌈

Still Carrying The Umbrella

I know so many people must think I’m crazy. In fairness to them, I am a little nutzo at times. But…that’s neither here nor there. 

Last year, during the excitement of that very first Clomid cycle, I told y’all about how the hubby and I were preparing for a baby we hadn’t yet conceived. We bought the crib, the crib set, a bassinet…and some of the cutest monkey themed things you will ever find. 

Here we are a year later, and we are still preparing for the child we have yet to conceive. I truly believe that God knows the desire of our hearts and that He will answer our prayers. 

It’s not always easy…having faith. There are days where I question myself. Wonder what I have done that has caused me to struggle so much, when there are women who literally throw away what my heart aches for. I admit, I see news stories of babies starving to death after their parents overdosed…or…toddlers being chained like dogs in the backyard and I want to question God’s judgment. What is fair about any of this?!

I get angry. I get grief stricken. I get angry. I get depressed. I get angry. It can be a vicious cycle. 

But, I’ve never truly lost hope. Oh, sure…I’ve had moments where I’m ready to quit. Where I cry out that it’s just too hard. When I’m ready to delete Fertility Friend from my phone, throw out my BBT thermometer, leave all the TTC groups that I’m in, and sale everything in the nursery & turn it into a crafting room. A few times I’ve even considered setting that room on fire. Thankfully, I’ve always been able to push through those moments. (Ok, so the non fire setting thoughts were longer than “moments”. But you get the idea.)

I may not understand God’s plan for me. I may never fully understand. I just know, that I don’t have to. I just have to keep my faith that God knows. Because all the struggles will make the joy so much bigger. They will make my appreciation for our miracle be never-ending. While I am certain that my child will drive me absolutely bonkers at time…he will never go to bed thinking he’s unloved. I know this because the journey we have been on has made me want to make sure that our baby knows just how often we prayed for him. How many times we cried for him. The doctors we went to to help us get him. 

I will be lucky enough to know that no moment can be taken for granted. 

So, we continue to carry our umbrella. When we went to Big Papi’s last game at Globe Life Park this past summer…we bought this.Last Saturday while we were out for our anniversary we stopped at LifeWay. (I’m going to be VBS Director at our church this summer and I wanted to get the Jump Start kit.) We found this adorable VBS themed onesie…the only one they had, and it came home with us. 

We will continue to plan for this baby. I will continue to work on the nursery and crochet baby blankets…all while still saving up for the cost of IUI. Because I believe that God will grant us our heart’s desire. I don’t know when. But I know He will. And I plan on being ready for that answered prayer. 

So whenever I see a onesie, a blanket, a stuffed animal, a rattle…anything that I think would be perfect for our baby, I’m gonna get it. And I will know that one day, our child will wear it, cuddle up with it, or play with it. It may seem crazy, but I have faith it will happen for us. 

What A Week 

To say I’m glad this week is done, is an understatement. Wednesday I got a call from my RE’s office. I was CD7 (cycle day 7), one day left of Clomid, Ovidrel trigger shot already ordered and in my refrigerator…and they tell me that my insurance coverage had changed and that I no longer have coverage for fertility treatments. It would be $200 for my appointment on Thursday, and there are no payment plans. I totally lose it. It made no sense to me. I had already seen him twice last month and started this cycle without being told any of this. AND…during the enrollment period we were told our policy had no coverage changes.

I was so blindsided. Totally broken. Not enough Xanax in my house. Because we didn’t have $200 to cover that appointment. And if I no longer had any coverage, we were absolutely done. I mean, we could keep trying on our own. But, we’ve been doing that for more than a decade with only heartache. 

We talk to the insurance company, we’re told again that there was no coverage change. That they still cover everything up to the point of insemination…so no IUI, GIFT, ZIFT, or IVF coverage. But, we already knew that.

So I call my RE’s office back, become very close to the billing department manager…and finally get to keep my appointment for Thursday-covered by insurance & only having to pay my copay. Don’t know what happened…I just know that I will only speak to the billing office manager from now on when it comes to anything to do with billing. I trust no one else there anymore. 

All of this came a week after we sat down with our RE and had THE discussion. You know the one where he tells you medicated cycles alone aren’t going to be enough and we need to discuss the progression of our treatments. We decided to go with one last round of Clomid and timed intercourse while we figure it out. IUI is really our only option financially. And we can only do a few rounds, and only because of our tax return…when that finally gets here. 

So, here’s our plan for this cycle:We are doing Clomid, the Ovidrel trigger shot, gonna use PreSeed along with The Stork OTC, and got a box…getting more though, cause you know me and tests…of First Response Early Results. If this doesn’t work, we’ll wait until our tax return comes in and try IUI. 

So, Thursday comes around and we find out that I’ve got 6…SIX…follicles that were worthy of being measured. I’m hoping that when we go back Tuesday…and only pay our copay…for our next follicle scan that at least 3 are mature. We’ll most likely trigger Tuesday as well. *fingers crossed* this works. 

Then yesterday, I had my surgery follow up procedure. Last November, I had a stent placed to open up a collapsed/blocked vein that was keeping my spinal fluid from circulating properly…causing the build in my brain, which gave me the extremely rare cause of having Pseudotumor Cerebri. There is normally not a reason that doctors can pinpoint why someone develops PTC. So, just finding the blockage was a miracle in itself. The stent worked! I’m officially *cured* of PTC! 

The hard part of yesterday is that I react very badly to the contrast dye used. So, I’m still in some pain and sick to my stomach. But…I don’t have PTC anymore, so I’m beyond blessed. Thank the Lord!!!

Unfortunately, the stent did not allow the CSF (cerebral spinal fluid) leak to correct itself. It was a long shot that it would, but we were hopeful. So now my pressure can become too low and cause some issues. So, I will have to have the scary ass craniotomy to fix that. But, I’m not even kinda prepared for that. lol So, we will most likely hold off for a bit on that one. Cause I’m a weany!!! No shame in admitting that either. 

Keep an eye out for a review of The Stork OTC. A lot of my friends have asked me about it. So once we use it, I’ll write something up. It will be an unpaid/unsolicited review. We bought The Stork OTC and no one from the company has asked us for our opinion on it.  

Always Stay Hopeful


I think it’s so easy to become discouraged while TTC. It’s such a crazy roller coaster ride of a journey. And the weird thing is, you feel…sometimes…like you’re all alone on that roller coaster. Of course your spouse is riding it with you. But, sometimes it can feel like they’re in a different car entirely. Like, you can hear them screaming along with you…but it’s off in the distance.

It can be so isolating. It really can make you feel like you’re alone…even though your surrounded by people. 

The hardest thing to remember is to always have hope. One of the things I find myself saying over and over again is…every new cycle brings new hope. It’s not always easy to remember. Especially when my Instagram & Facebook feeds are being blown up by pregnancy announcements (I hate the “we weren’t even trying” ones), sonogram pictures, birth announcements, and cake smashes…and my cycle has just started. 

It’s hard. I’m not even gonna try to lie about that. Some days all I can do is turn my phone off, turn on trash tv, grab my yarn & hook, and pull into myself. 

After years of trying, it would be so easy to see everyone else getting what I pray for every day, and just give up. I have my despondent moments. I have those moments of anger and jealousy that make me want to give up. 

But then I hear this little voice that reminds me how much I want this. How much my very core desires this. And I realize that I would never be able to forgive myself if I just quit. 

And I think part of the reason I can still hear that tiny voice is a combination of faith and support. There are moments of calm during my prayers, where I just KNOW that it’s going to happen for us. That’s why I love that scripture so much. 

But I’m also extremely blessed to be surrounded by amazing people who support my husband and me through our journey. Trust me, it’s harder to find that than you think. Sometimes when people find out you’re trying to get pregnant, they immediately come up with 1,001 reasons as to why that’s the worst idea in the history of ideas. But that topic is probably best left for another post. lol

Without the support of my friends I’d be lost. (My husband too. Can’t forget him, but for this post I’m focusing on the friends who surround us.) I could not imagine not having them in my life. And what’s great is that not all of them are from the TTC community. I have friends who are supporting me through this who have no idea what OPKs, PreSeed, or follicle scans are. Having a solid support system is a must! These people help to drown out those negative thoughts/people/judgments. 

And don’t be afraid to talk about it. Talk about your fears, cry when you need to, scream when the urge hits. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to not be happy all the time. Hiding those emotions, burying that part of your journey only helps to isolate you. And it’s not fair to you! The hard times, the times it takes everything in you to push through, are part of your journey. They’re part of you! And those who love and support you…love you, all of you!

You are not alone in this!!! You have so many people supporting and praying for you…even more than you can imagine. You’ve got this! And you are going to be so proud that you pushed through the fear & thoughts of giving up. You are not alone, even though it feels like it sometimes. There are so many of us who understand the full emotional sprectrum. And we are always here! So always have hope!!! 

Saturday Appointments…FUN!


The hubby forgot to check the mail Saturday, New Year’s Eve. So he checked it Sunday morning on his way in. So, New Year’s Day I opened a little love in the mail package from a wonderful friend. She sent me some tests…cause everyone knows I have a test stash that always has room to grow. (Although the hubby probably doesn’t agree with that statement.) She also sent the stars!

So, I made a new cover photo. lol

Monday was my last dose of Clomid this cycle. And I went in for my CD8 scan on Tuesday. I’ve been very lucky, I’ve responded very well to it. And this cycle seems to be no exception. I had four follicles worth measuring! Two 10s on my left & a 13 and 11 on my right! So, instead of having me come in on Tuesday of next week for my next scan, he wants to see me Saturday! 

Now, Saturday appointments are kinda a big deal. The only open office is in Dallas, which is a couple hours away. The only person who is working in the Dallas office on Saturdays is the doctor. And they’re like double the costs…because it’s a weekend appointment. It’s just a follicle scan & possible trigger appointment, so it’s not truly a big deal. But, since he wanted to see me on Saturday instead of Tuesday, a week out, it’s kinda a big deal. Which reminds me…I need to pack up my trigger shot just in case I need it tomorrow. 

Actually, most likely I’ll just stress about whether I should pack it up or not. Cause it needs to stay refrigerated. And even though it will be fine if I pull it out tomorrow morning for a Tuesday use…I really hate pulling it out before I know if I’ll be triggering that day or not. And, even if they grow at maximum rate…I don’t know that they’ll be close tomorrow for trigger. We may just plan for trigger on Sunday…maybe Monday. (The irony is…stress during TTC is not good!) And I always tend to overthink and stress over things that really have no reason the be overthought. 

But that’s what I do. 

In fact, I’m kinda stressing about having a Saturday appointment. The last one we had was last January. That was the appointment right before everything fell apart for us. And even though I know that’s not gonna this time around, I can’t help but have anxiety. 

What if something does happen again? What if our insurance says…we’ve paid enough or the doctor just decides it’s not worth trying anymore? The normal, rational, sane side of me knows I’m being stupid. But I was so excited last time. I just knew that by starting off the New Year in his Dallas office, we’d have a baby by Christmas. I just knew it. 

I’m terrified, if I’m being honest. Because I’m already caught back up in that level of excitement again. I’ve slowly started working in the nursery again. I’m crocheting blankets for us, instead of others. I believe with everything in me that this is going to happen for us. But I’m so scared. 

It doesn’t help that it’s cold as crap outside. lol So I can’t even go walking to try and clear my head. I can make some nachos though. And it is lunch time. So maybe I’ll go do that! ❤ Yeah, I think I’ll do that! 

Total bonus…mini road trip to Dallas tomorrow means going to different Starbucks! WooHoo for a venti dirty hazelnut chai latte! If you’d just keep us in your prayers, send happy thoughts, good vibes…all that, we’d be greatly appreciative. 

Carrying Our Umbrellas

The hubby and I had a conversation Saturday afternoon on the way home from the RE’s office.

When you pray for rain, they say you’re suppose to keep your umbrella with you. If you don’t, then you don’t believe that God will answer your prayers and provide for you. So, if you’re praying for rain…be sure to carry an umbrella.

Well, after seeing the RE Saturday morning…and after I got a trigger shot of hCG to force ovulation…we went shopping. We had already decided that since we had to drive so far for a Saturday appointment that was only going to be about 20 minutes that we would go and get a few things that we are needing for the nursery.

After going through everything that we already have in our nursery…gathered over the years for different pregnancies that were lost & one HUGE contribution from a friend who just liked to buy baby stuff so she could be prepared-but ran out of room so she gave a ton of it to me since there hasn’t been a time that we weren’t wanting a baby…I realized that we need more than I could have imagined. I was shocked…not sure why since the twins were boys…at how many boy items we had, how few gender neutral items we had, and how I apparently haven’t planned for a girl at all. So, the nursery is needing help. And we were gonna do a little shopping to see what we could find.

Well, we ended up finding a lot. lol It was so much fun! And we walked away from out little shopping excursion with a few things that we needed and plans for a couple more things.

I think some people may look at this and not understand planning for a baby that hasn’t been conceived yet. But we really are carrying our umbrellas. We both have faith that the Lord will answer our prayers. We both believe that some of the things that have happened to us during this journey were small obstacles that God placed in our way to allow for better things to have time to transpire for us.

We originally saw the RE last year. We were planning on being so further into the process of IVF by now. But, I went anovulatory in November after seeing him. So, we didn’t start our baseline testing until after the first of the year. And we know now that there was a reason for that. Didn’t understand it at the time, but it’s clear as day now. And I do truly believe that it was God’s plan.

I have to admit, I haven’t always understood God’s plan. And I haven’t always been very patient when it comes to His will. I have struggled with my relationship with God throughout this journey. I think maybe that’s part of being human. I mean, I know there are people out there who never stumble in their faith, but I am not one of them. And I am working on that.

But as I sit here on the eve of the 14th anniversary of our first date…truth be told, our one & only date…I am really starting to see that there truly has been a plan set in place by God. It all has happened for a reason. I may not understand why things are happening when they are happening, but I am now seeing that I don’t have to. It really isn’t my place to. I didn’t use to be ok with that. But, I’m learning and growing again in my faith and understanding of the Lord.

So, we are preparing for our child, because we know with everything in us that God is going to answer our prayers.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

 

New Year…New Scary & Exciting Things

image1It is so hard to believe that it’s already 2016! So much seemed to happen last year, especially the last two months. There’s me, aren’t those socks absolutely adorable?! So that’s me…as we started our journey into the world of fertility treatments. Now, unfornutely my body has a sick and twisted sense of humor and that’s about as far as we’ve gotten. I am still waiting on a new cycle to begin so that we can do baseline testing. Because after visiting with our new RE, pretty much our only option to becoming parents is IVF. And, we pretty much have one shot at it, because IVF is kinda crazy expensive. It’s like $13,000 a cycle…and that’s just the cycle itself. That doesn’t include all the testing and scans leading up to that cycle…which our insurance pays zip of! So, to say I’m stressed about it, is a bit of an understatement.

I also start this year off no longer a Lupus patient. I had a big meltdown over it too. I spent years trying to get answers for what was wrong with me, thought I FINALLY had it figured out. And then was kinda slapped in the face and informed that what I was originally diagnosed with…pseudo tumor cerebri…is what I actually have.

Eight years ago, I was diagnosed with that. After having spinal taps done to drain spinal fluid every other week, I was told that I needed to have a shunt surgically placed in order to find relief. So I was referred to a neurosurgeon. And everything seemed to be headed towards me getting better. Then the day I went to have my final pre-op visit & to schedule the surgery, the doctor said he had a bad day in surgery trying to repair a shunt, he was no longer convinced I even had PTC, and was sending me back to my neurologist. So, that went over well with my neurologist. I was doing yet another spinal tap when it went to Hell. He had gotten the needle placed and did a pressure check, as he was sliding the pressure gauge off, the needle slipped. He spent another 45 minutes trying to get it replaced. It left me with a nasty knot of scar tissue on my spine. He then pulled the needle completely out and said that I would have it done at the hospital under x-ray. When I called to find out what our next step was, I was told I was no longer a patient of that doctor’s. It was just the beginning of my disappointment when it came to doctors.

So, my primary gets me a referral to a new neurologist…literally one of the best in my state. And he completely disagrees with the diagnosis of pseudo tumor. BUT, never once did a spinal tap to check the pressure of my spinal fluid.

Fast forward eight years, and a trip to a reproductive endocrinologist and I decide that I need to find a really good rheumatologist who will work with us through this pregnancy that we’re trying so hard for. And he’s like…yeah, I don’t think it’s Lupus. And even though I’m not crazy about this guy’s bedside manner…seriously, is the first class of specialty medicine “How To Be A Dick 101”?!…he is a good doctor who is extremely thorough. 13 vials of blood thorough! And he recommends that I go see a opthamologist to see why I’m having such issues with my eyesight…I’m almost completely blind in my left eye. So, I go see one…and after all the testing he does, he’s like yeah, the damage to your optic nerve indicates something called pseudo tumor-and I cut him off. Completely fall apart like a crazy person in his office, total nut job, and give him this longer than he’d like, but short version of my story. And he’s like…yup! That’s what it is. So now, I’m headed back to a new neurologist.

And after having my blood tested for just about everything that it could be other than PTC, and having a biopsy done on my rash to see if it is indeed a malar rash or possibly Rosacea, I really don’t think that there’s any doubt that I do in fact have pseudo tumor cerebri and not Lupus. I’m a little bitter, especially when realizing that if my second neurologist hadn’t been so dismissive and done a simple spinal tap of his own, I might still have my sight. But, I think I’m handling it very well. Swung by Build A Bear and made a storm trooper & Darth Vader bear…took the Darth Vader one to see the new Star Wars movie, bought a book about IVF, and used the incredibly emotional month as an excuse to not do laundry. So, seriously, I think I’m doing very well with it. lol

So, I am just done with 2015 and ready to get this new year started and get everything going. Hoping to be able to work out all the finances associated with IVF, hoping that it goes well for us. Hoping that the new neurologist can help, because I’ve decided that I will not be having a surgery for shunt placement this time. Hoping that this year is absolutely amazing!

 

What Loss Moms Wished Non Loss Moms Understood

Ok, so maybe limiting it to just moms and non loss moms is a bit of an understatement. I think a more appropriate title might be “What Loss Parents Wished Everyone Who Has Ever Been Lucky Enough To Never Experience A Loss Understand…And What They Wish A Few Fellow Loss Parents Would Too”. But, for the sake of available space, I’ll stick with what I’ve got.

Recently I started a new Facebook group, Love Echoes Forever-TTC After Loss. The TTC journey after loss is so unique, that I thought a group that was centered around the emotional roller coaster was needed. One of the first questions that I asked the ladies who joined was…”What do you wish people understood the most about loss?” This blog post is dedicated to the remarkable women who answered the question & is about the 3 biggest topics brought up.

One of the biggest things I’ve noticed, and one that was mentioned in group as well, is one for everyone to understand…loss & non loss. I don’t understand why, but for some reason we live in a society where every thing is compared and measured and ranked. And while I am not one to agree with little leagues that don’t keep score, because life keeps score and it’s just as important to learn how to win as it is to learn how to lose…score keeping doesn’t always have a place in life. One loss is no less significant than the next. A loss at 5 weeks is no less of a loss than at 35 weeks. You still the lose the dreams of birthday cards, Christmas excitement, first words, first steps, first days of school…last days of schools. Hearing a heart beat, being able to determine gender does not…I repeat, DOES NOT change the fact that your entire world is turned upside down and wrong side out because in a moment you lose the entire dream of who that baby might have been. It amazed me when I lost my daddy how many people told me how sorry they were that I lost him at such a young age. I was 34 he was 2 days shy of 60. I was also told by a few people to basically get over it already since I was an adult…I was lucky I had the time with him. The fact of the matter is, it doesn’t matter at what age you lose a parent-the loss is never gonna be easy, it’s always be a hole in your heart, it’s going to change everything in your life. Losing a pregnancy is the same way. It doesn’t matter at what age, it’s a loss that will forever change your life. Regardless. A loss is a loss. So, let’s just make a pact now to not compare one to another in an attempt to make one worse or better. One is not lucky while one is unlucky. A loss is a loss…there is no scale.

Just like with anything lost, there is no replacement. It will never matter how many children you eventually go on to have & hold, there will always be a little piece missing. And it’s not that you aren’t appreciative and grateful for every single blessing that God has given you. No, in fact, you are probably more appreciative than anyone can possibly imagine. You know what you’ve lost and how precious and fragile what you have is because of that loss. But at the same time, you aren’t mourning because OPI discontinued a nail polish color that you really liked and no one is making that particular shade. You are mourning a child, your child. The best way I can think to describe it in a way that everyone can relate is when you lose a friend. Not necessarily due to death, just not in your life anymore. You know that friend that you had the late night chats with, the one who would laugh at the dumbest things with you? You will never replace them. You will always…even if you go on to find 10 other amazingly beautiful people who you are lucky enough to call a best friend in your life…you will ALWAYS look back to those memories of the friend that you once had. You will always miss the laughter they brought you, even though you have a ton of laughter in your life. You will always wish for that smile to shine on you one more time, even though you are surrounded by love. It’s not that you’re greedy, or unappreciative. You are not wanting ALL the smiles in the world…just the ones that have touched your life and are no longer there. And there will never be anyone to replace that friend, because there is no way to replace that person. There is simply someone else now who also shares a piece of your heart. So please understand that when it comes to children, whether rainbows (babies born after loss) or sunshines (babies born before loss), it will never matter how much laughter fills a house in the early morning hours…there is always going to be a little bit of a quietness that echoes because loss parents know there should be just a little bit more noise. And it’s not that they aren’t thankful for the noise they hear, they just know it should be a little louder.

Pregnancy and infant loss seems to still be such a taboo thing to talk about it. It’s treated in 3 ways, it seems. Like it shouldn’t be brought up because it will cause too much pain or uncomfortableness for the asker, or like we are contagious and should “it” be brought up we will somehow give it to you, or just completely open conversations when support is needed. I really wish it was always the latter. Loss is a part of life. We can’t avoid it. And sadly, people seem so ready to give support and understanding for just about any type of loss…just not pregnancy and infant loss. And that makes it that much more isolating. Because people are afraid of upsetting a loss parent, they don’t always ask how they’re doing. Because it’s something that isn’t commonly talked about, people aren’t sure how to approach the subject of an angel. It’s so easy for people to imagine how hard it is to cope with that type of loss, they are worried that by asking about the loss, they will bring up horrible memories and a ton of pain. And sometimes…not gonna lie…it absolutely will. BUT, that’s not unlike asking how anyone is doing after a loss of any kind. Not every conversation is going to be a sad one. Just today, on our way from a day out, the hubby and I talked about how similar I was to my daddy when it came to driving…and that led to stories, which led to happy memories. A few weeks ago we were talking about how much I miss him and that led to tears. But the fact that I had someone to talk to and support me through both sides of the spectrum was what I needed. And when I’m in a particularly vulnerable place and I think talking about my losses will just absolutely push me over the edge, I don’t talk about them. So please, if you know a loss parent…don’t be afraid of mentioning what they’ve gone through, of asking how they’re doing, of asking about what it’s like and if they need support or just love through it. Regardless of how long ago it happened. It helps to know that we aren’t the only ones who remember our babies existed, however briefly.

It’s just a start, I know…but, sometimes just a little understanding can make a world of difference.

 

Random Blog Post Topic

I have been so horrible at the whole blog owner thing lately! Shame on me. Even though it may not seem like it, I am committed to this site. I’ve just been in a very odd place lately.

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Everything has just taken a very odd turn in my life the past few months. I got stymied in my Stillbirthday training. I am just stuck on the last two chapters and can not for the life of me get past them. I found a love for indie yarn…hand dyed awesomeness that is not cheap. lol And out TTC journey has taken a turn that I did not see coming. Nothing that I’m ready to fully disclose right now…it’s still kinda fresh. But the hardest thing that we’ve gone through the last few months is my FIL passed away. It wasn’t suddenly, it wasn’t a surprise, and man did he fight.

So, even though we’ve been making plans and putting things into motion for our future, I’ve just been very unmotivated in general. And it doesn’t help that I started a workout regime that has just absolutely frustrated me. And I really don’t think that it’s necessary for my Wii Fit U *game* to use the phrase, “just saying”, when it’s telling me how things should be done. For real, that shit is irritating.

Anyways…I kind of got off on a tangent. lol So today’s blog is just a random topic that I pulled in order to get me to do a post. So here we go…

10 Things I’m Afraid Of (right now anyways)

  1. Clowns…duh! My aunt use to collect them. She isn’t that much older than me, and was the baby of the family before I was born. She was not happy that I came along, especially since I was born kind of sickly & early and automatically got a lot of attention. So one day while she was babysitting me, I was about 4…she put me down for a nap in her room that was covered in clowns and put in a movie for me to watch…Stephen King’s “It”. Needless to say, I am not a fan of clowns.
  2. Finding out about a major incident on “The Walking Dead” before I see it happen…especially if it’s something that happened several seasons back. I know I’m a little late to the party, but I’ve only just recently started watching it and am in catch up mode. (Thank you Netflix for being absolutely awesome for that!)
  3. That “The Player” won’t come back next season. I always do this, I get into a new show and then it’s not picked up for a second season. I did that with NBC show years ago about the fertility clinic, I did it with “Gang Related”, “Almost Human”, “Forever”. Oh, when they announced that “Forever” wasn’t coming back, I was so sad! And, I’m pretty sure that the same is going to happen with “The Player”.
  4. I’m afraid of not having strong enough wax melts for when that damn skunk strikes again. I think he’s young, probably born this spring, and just hasn’t totally mastered his spray when he’s startled. But he’s sprayed near my bedroom 3 times in the past 6 weeks. It’s not been fun. Country living, who knew?! lol
  5. That I won’t lose the weight that I gained over the last few years fighting some pretty bad flares. But, I am trying.
  6. That my husband will one day say that I don’t need another pair of shoes and actually mean it.
  7. That one day I will believe I am too old for Build-A-Bear Workshop.
  8. That I won’t finish my Stillbirthday training.
  9. Jeff Gordon retiring. I know how stupid that sounds. And yes, I am a die hard #24 fan. I have been since his very first race. And yes, his retirement announcement broke my heart. I cried Sunday as he took the checkered flag at Martinsville. But, my fear of him retiring isn’t about me as a fan. My daddy was a huge Jeff Gordon fan too. Not as big as me, but very close. He was such a fan, that we thought it needed to be mentioned in his obituary when he passed away in 2013. And we put his ashes in a Jeff Gordon cookie jar that he gave to me for Christmas years ago. It just seemed perfect. And now, Jeff Gordon is retiring. As silly as it seems, I feel like that’s one more connection to my daddy that I am losing. One more thing that time has taken…will take…continues to take. The world goes on and changes like nothing ever happened. Just a little heartbreaking.
  10. And finally…and always…that I won’t be a mommy. It’s scary to think that it may never happen, and it’s something that I am terrified of.

So, there you go. 10 things I’m afraid of at the moment. The bright side to them is that, for the most part, they are fixable. I know that eventually I will get caught up on “The Walking Dead” & my class work for Stillbirthday. My husband knows better than to actually say out loud that I don’t really need a new pair of shoes…he enjoys sex too much for that. If “The Player” isn’t picked up…there will be a new show next season that I’ll enjoy. lol There a greater chance of Build-A-Bear going out of business before I think I’m too old for it. But, I think the biggest bright spot is that in 2 weeks, the hubby and I will see a doctor and find out what our next step will be in our TTC journey. And I truly feel good about this appointment. I don’t know how it will go, honestly. It could be the next step, or it could be the end. I don’t feel like it will be the end though. I feel like it’s just going to be our next step. And I know that we’ve had a few set backs over the last month and half, but I pray that it’s going to be ok and that we will be able to move forward.

Day of Hope

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One of my biggest supporters is Ashley from Pee On A Stick Freak. Sometimes I think she believes in me more than I do. lol So the other day, she was helping to promote my blog, Twitter, and Facebook page and asked me if I call my site a fertility site or an infertility site. I told her I call my site an infertility blog.

Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely am all about promoting fertility.  Everything in my being is focused around TTC and trying to improve my chances of having a baby. But I spent years running from the word “infertility”. It scared the shit out of me, if I’m being honest. And then I was officially diagnosed with it. I can no longer hide from it, it caught me.

infertile adjective: not fertile; unproductive; sterile; barren: infertile soil. 

(Thank you dictionary.com for making it so heartbreakingly blunt.)

Everything about infertility sucks! At least for me, I can’t speak for the entire world. It’s isolating, by definition…unproductive and barren. It’s a waste land of emptiness that you walk through. And you feel like you’re walking through it alone. Even though you’re not. My wonderfully supportive husband walks this path with me. He anxiously awaits the lab results, knows more about charting a menstrual cycle than he ever wanted to, and can tell you the sensitivity level of First Response EArly Results home pregnancy test. (For those of you wondering…they’re quantitative nor qualitative and are designed to pick up any amount of hCG in your system over the level of zero, per the manufacturer. I called them myself.) So, I am not alone on this journey, but at times I still feel like I am.

I’m in TTC groups online, and we all talk about the things that we are doing to try to get pregnant. And we do the “get to know you” games, like post the 12th pic in your camera roll. We talk about where we’re from, what our favorite color is, what’s your hobby to keep you busy during the TTW…two week wait, the time between ovulation and testing time/period. But even in the most supportive and loving groups, it’s rare to see anyone actually talking about infertility. It’s the elephant in the room…we all know that the majority of us are in these groups because we’ve had issues getting and/or staying pregnant, but we all ignore that particular aspect. Don’t get me wrong, you’ll see the occasional post about wanting to quit, or someone struggling at the moment with their emotions, and we all know that we can absolutely reach out for support when we need it, but for the most part the posts are mostly upbeat & casual.

So when I say I’m not alone, I mean I am surrounding by loving and supportive people.

I consider myself an incurable optimist. I always look for the silver lining. There is always something beautiful in a situation. You just have to want to see it, and sometimes you have to really search hard for it…but, it’s always there. So I completely understand not wanting to ruin the mood of a group by posting something sad. No one wants a Debbie Downer at a party. And no wants to be one. But sometimes, in the process of keeping a happy mask on, we isolate ourselves even more.

Infertility is a struggle. And it’s scary. It’s something that not everyone will understand or know how to talk to you about. It can be uncomfortable for someone who has never experienced it. But it will ALWAYS be uncomfortable if we never talk about it. It will ALWAYS be something that isolates us as long as we allow it to by only dealing with it inside our own heads. As long as we try to hide from it, it’s going to continue to be a taboo topic to bring up and discuss openly about.

I don’t know if I will ever have a baby. I want it more than I can even begin to describe. My heart and soul ache for it. But the reality is, I don’t know if it will ever happen for me. I know that I pray this new doctor will be able to help us. I pray every day. And my prayer is that I will one day overcome the word “infertility”. But in order to do that, in order to truly overcome the word, I first have to acknowledge that it is my current reality. It is, unfortunately, a part of my life. And ignoring it won’t change that.

So, yes, this is a blog about infertility and what it has done to my life. And I’m proud of that…because one day, hopefully, I will be able to say that I kicked infertility’s ass! In every way possible…not just by having a baby. So for now, I am not going to let infertility rule my life with fear. I will not let it isolate me, I will not stay quiet about it. I will own this!

So on this Carly Marie Project Heal Day of Hope, I am breaking the silence surrounding infertility and offering my support to anyone who is struggling with it. You are not alone!