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While I’m Waiting

The other day on our way home, a song reached out and grabbed my heart. It hasn’t let go since. John Waller’s, “While I’m Waiting”. 

It’s not a new song. But sometimes it’s the ones you’ve heard again and again but haven’t really listened to in a while that are the ones that speak to you the most. And I definitely needed to listen to this song and process the message. 

The past few months, our TTC journey has had some really crazy twists & turns. And if I’m being honest, I’ve felt broken over it. Well, actually…I’ve felt shattered. Like so far beyond broken that I’ve wondered if I could ever find all the pieces to mend myself. 

I have been so angry and confused, because I honestly believe that God has placed this great desire on my heart so that He could fulfill it. My husband and I both truly believe and have faith that we will have a baby. We truly believe that God has promised us this. But sometimes, when it seems like all you’re doing is getting older, it is so hard to hold to that promise. It’s so easy to question faith when you feel lost on the journey. 

I just don’t understand this wait. What in the world could be the reason another cycle has failed? Why is my heart longing when there are so many daily news articles about babies being abandoned? And don’t even get me started on “16 & Pregnant”! Am I not good enough? Faithful enough? Strong enough?

And then a few scriptures whispered themselves to me. 🎶”I’m waiting…I’m waiting on You, Lord…and I am hopeful…I’m waiting on You, Lord…though it is painful…but patiently, I will wait…I will move ahead, bold and confident…taking every step in obedience” 🎶

I fully admit that I don’t understand the path God has chosen for us. But I don’t have to. It’s not easy, but as long as I still have faith & hope…I will one day understand the journey. I truly believe that.  Regardless of how dark the night gets, the sun will still rise when it’s meant to…when the timing is right, and not a second before. 

This one whispers itself to me quite often. In the quiet times of reflection, during my moments of doubt. After all, aren’t waiting & doubt the highest hurdles hope will ever have to jump? 

I don’t have to know the plans, I just have to have faith and follow the path the Lord lays out before me. Instead of fighting Him and taking this journey into my own hands, I need to obediently lay it down and let God lead me. That is seriously hard for me to do. I over-think, over-plan, and totally over-analyze pretty much everything. So I don’t always handle the unknown with grace. (I typically handle it with Xanax.) But I’m learning, slowly. 

🎶…while I’m waiting, I will serve You…while I’m waiting, I will worship…while  I’m waiting, I will not faint-I’ll be running the race, even while I wait…🎶

I don’t know why I’m having to wait, or what I’m suppose to be learning while I do. I’m not even sure what my purpose is suppose to be while I’m waiting. But I do know that I am to stay faithful. Faithful in prayer, faithful in hope, faithful in the Lord’s promises. Because there is a purpose, there is meaning. With that knowledge comes peace. 

Or maybe it’s more like peacefully anxious. lol I am after all human. And since the whole point of this post is about it beimg hard to stay steadfast & positive at all times…I’ll take peacefully anxious while I learn what I need to learn, while I do what I need to do. While I wait on the Lord. 

So I think I’ll keep this as my prayer during my season of waiting:

Dear Lord,

I know that I can be impatient. I know I often question Your timing and design. I know that I am prone to worry and fear. I know that I sometimes get so caught up in my need for understanding and control that I lose track of who You are. I forget that You are always working for my good. Lord, help me to never lose hope. Keep my eyes focused on the path You’ve set for me. Allow me to stay focused in the knowledge that often blessings can be received only after the trial of waiting. Forgive my moments of doubt and renew my sense of peace in Your timing. You know my heart, and all it’s desires. And Your promises are true. Lord, keep me grounded in Your presence. 

In Jesus’ name, Amen 

Still Carrying The Umbrella

I know so many people must think I’m crazy. In fairness to them, I am a little nutzo at times. But…that’s neither here nor there. 

Last year, during the excitement of that very first Clomid cycle, I told y’all about how the hubby and I were preparing for a baby we hadn’t yet conceived. We bought the crib, the crib set, a bassinet…and some of the cutest monkey themed things you will ever find. 

Here we are a year later, and we are still preparing for the child we have yet to conceive. I truly believe that God knows the desire of our hearts and that He will answer our prayers. 

It’s not always easy…having faith. There are days where I question myself. Wonder what I have done that has caused me to struggle so much, when there are women who literally throw away what my heart aches for. I admit, I see news stories of babies starving to death after their parents overdosed…or…toddlers being chained like dogs in the backyard and I want to question God’s judgment. What is fair about any of this?!

I get angry. I get grief stricken. I get angry. I get depressed. I get angry. It can be a vicious cycle. 

But, I’ve never truly lost hope. Oh, sure…I’ve had moments where I’m ready to quit. Where I cry out that it’s just too hard. When I’m ready to delete Fertility Friend from my phone, throw out my BBT thermometer, leave all the TTC groups that I’m in, and sale everything in the nursery & turn it into a crafting room. A few times I’ve even considered setting that room on fire. Thankfully, I’ve always been able to push through those moments. (Ok, so the non fire setting thoughts were longer than “moments”. But you get the idea.)

I may not understand God’s plan for me. I may never fully understand. I just know, that I don’t have to. I just have to keep my faith that God knows. Because all the struggles will make the joy so much bigger. They will make my appreciation for our miracle be never-ending. While I am certain that my child will drive me absolutely bonkers at time…he will never go to bed thinking he’s unloved. I know this because the journey we have been on has made me want to make sure that our baby knows just how often we prayed for him. How many times we cried for him. The doctors we went to to help us get him. 

I will be lucky enough to know that no moment can be taken for granted. 

So, we continue to carry our umbrella. When we went to Big Papi’s last game at Globe Life Park this past summer…we bought this.Last Saturday while we were out for our anniversary we stopped at LifeWay. (I’m going to be VBS Director at our church this summer and I wanted to get the Jump Start kit.) We found this adorable VBS themed onesie…the only one they had, and it came home with us. 

We will continue to plan for this baby. I will continue to work on the nursery and crochet baby blankets…all while still saving up for the cost of IUI. Because I believe that God will grant us our heart’s desire. I don’t know when. But I know He will. And I plan on being ready for that answered prayer. 

So whenever I see a onesie, a blanket, a stuffed animal, a rattle…anything that I think would be perfect for our baby, I’m gonna get it. And I will know that one day, our child will wear it, cuddle up with it, or play with it. It may seem crazy, but I have faith it will happen for us.